Okay, so this is marriage number four. You messed up one, two, and three. The most important question here obviously has to be, what in the heck are you going to wear? The traditional white wedding dress is probably not going to cut it and if you do wear it, you risk the whispered, “Who does she think she’s kidding?” behind your back, because, let’s face the facts here, we thrice or more married ladies are not exactly “pure” any longer. We risk over-the-top territory just by virtue of doing what we are doing, and we don’t want to add to this with a major wardrobe malfunction. We might turn out to be ashamed of our actions (see marriage 1, 2, and/or 3), but we do not want to be ashamed of our future wedding pictures.

DON'T WEAR THIS:

THE SUIT
Just by wearing a suit, we drop into cliché territory. Just because we are oft-married does not mean we have to cover up our top half in a sensible jacket and hide behind an English-ladygoing- to-a-tea-size hat. We may be older, but this means we are wiser; it does not mean we have bad hair nor does it mean our top half is tarred and feathered. Do not resort to the suit and hat combination; you have nothing to hide.

JEANS
Just because you want it to be casual and your partner wants it to be casual does not mean you are allowed to throw all tradition out of the window and dress like you are going to Walmart. Well, it is your wedding, but if you go with jeans, I highly advise you to skip the photography session.

RED
Don’t wear red. People are already talking behind your back. We both know what they are saying. Don’t give them the satisfaction by wearing a bright red wedding dress. Or feathers. Avoid feathers at all costs. You must know where I’m going with this. Steer clear of all poles, don’t wear clear plastic shoes and definitely avoid body glitter.

THEME WEDDING APPAREL
Again, people are already having a hard time taking this union seriously (see unions 1, 2 and/or 3). Do you really want to add to this by wearing matching chaps and cowboy hats or fairy wings and a crown or matching running outfits? Actually, matching anything is a horrible idea along with themed outfits. This reeks of desperation: “Look how happy we are! We even match!”

YOUR DAUGHTER' S WEDDING DRESS
You borrow her clothes and wear them to the mall to confuse high school boys walking behind you. We all get it: you are still the same size you were 20 ago. The people looking at you from behind during the ceremony are only going to be confused about one thing: what were you thinking?

So, this begs the question: what should you wear? I consulted Amy Eisinger, Associate Editor of WeddingChannel.com, about what dress trends she was seeing for second or more time brides and she shared three current styles with me: tealength, bold, and romantic. Amy was fabulous and answered all of my questions with love and attention; the fashion advice is hers, everything snarky belongs to me.

DO WEAR THIS:

ROMANTIC
For the bride who knows that less is more. Seduction is an art form and the cleavage-baring dress that we may have been inclined to wear in our less knowledgeable days (back when we were stupid and married idiots one through three) just isn’t our style anymore. We are sexy and we know it and we have no need to show it all off .

“Sleeves,” Eisinger says. “Take a cue from Kate Middleton and choose a dress with a little more coverage than usual.” This is great advice for brides who want that sexy and classic look. Remember, we don’t have to dress like a prostitute or a child bride to look sexy.

Eisinger adds, “Illusion necklines with intricate beading and bespoke lace sleeves from designers like Lela Rose and Alfred Angelo are the new must-have for the demure and elegant bride.” I think it is important to note here that mature brides, however, need not feel confi ned to this “demure and elegant” look. You don’t have to dress like the mother of the bride; leave the suit in your mother’s closet. “Have an open mind when trying on dresses and don't limit yourself to dresses you think are styles fi t only for second-time brides,” Eisinger says. “If you want to show some skin, but not bare it all, try an illusion sleeve or neckline for coverage.”

TEA-TIME
Short gowns hint at easily being able to run off for quick moments of intimacy (or fl eeing from the scene if you get cold feet) amidst all of the wedding day chaos. Pictures, toasts, guests, traditional dances—you’re being pulled in a million directions, and who wants to worry about the train of their dress being stepped on or getting caught in a door? Go short for ease and romance. Eisinger shares, “Whether you're off to a daytime garden party wedding or you're getting hitched at city hall, a 50's-inspired classic tea length gown, like those by Monique Lhuillier, is a sweet and chic choice.” Fun, flirty, and not afraid to get dirty; wear the short dress if this is you. Don’t be afraid to show off your legs, hold your head high and smile at the people who doubt you and, who knows, partner number fi ve might be in the crowd.

BE BOLD
You already wore white. You have been there and done that, so why not try something completely different (I’m talking about dresses here). Do not even think about red; I’m watching you.

Eisinger says, “Embrace a bold color choice like the gowns that have been coming down the bridal runways from Johnna Ho and Rosa Clara's ethereal gold dresses evoking a Roman-goddess vibe to Vera Wang's whimsical black and nude gowns of frothy organza.”

If over-the-top is your MO, then a bold dress is for you. In fact, go for the red, I have your back. If you are really concerned about what you are going to wear, look at your partner, take a deep breath, and know that they chose you, no matter what you end up wearing. If they truly love you, you could wear a garbage bag down the aisle and they should still be happy to marry you. Ask them right now and see what they say. Go ahead. If they don’t agree with me, move on to partner number five.

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MOLLY FULLER is an editor for the online literary magazine, Buried Letter Press. She has her MFA from Sarah Lawrence College and her BSJ from Ohio University. She currently resides in the heart of it all in Akron, Ohio. She has written for various publications since 2007.