Women are nurturers. We take great pride in our ability to cheer up a friend in distress (a little wine, a little conversation…everybody feels better). But sometimes even we gals are at a loss for words when a friend is in need of advice. Th is column gives suggestions – from actual women who have been through each of these situations – on what we should and should not say to our friends during these times.

Q: I am a single woman with no children. Every December I get into a big argument with my parents because they ask me to travel to spend the Christmas holiday with my sister and her four children who live in another state. I love my nieces and nephews, but it's massively expensive − not to mention a huge hassle − to travel during the holidays. When I try to explain this to my family, they guilt-trip me by saying it isn't fair that my sister and her husband would have to buy six plane tickets to come to my house for the holidays when I only have to buy one plane ticket to get to their house. My parents also fl y to my sister's for the holidays, and it's oft en the only time of year we are all together. I really don't want to go this year but I don't want to get into a huge fight with my family about it again. Help!

A: That's a tough one. On the one hand, the holidays are all about family, tradition and "giving" selflessly to others. On the other hand, there is a limit to how much is reasonable for you to be expected to give, and it sounds like traveling for Christmas is putting you over that limit. Here are some suggestions for how to avoid this conflict year aft er year:

DO— Suggest an alternative arrangement such as getting together at your sister's house a couple of weeks before Christmas (when air travel is cheaper and less crowded) or alternating spending the holidays at your house one year and your sister's house the next year. If your sister decides not to travel during the years when you are scheduled to host, that is her choice, but at least you are off the hook for having to go to her house each year.

DON’T—Let the conversation become an argument. You are an adult, and it's reasonable for you to make your own decisions about how to spend your free time (and money). Before you engage in a discussion about Christmas with your parents, take a moment to jot down all of the reasons why you would rather not travel during that time of year. Walk your family through your reasoning in a calm, non-emotional way and then tell them that you've made your decision − for this year. If they push back, say, "I've thought about it and it's just not possible for me to travel during the holidays this year." Say it as many times as it takes to shut down the discussion. Remind them how much you love them and tell them that you will really miss the family tradition of being together during the holidays.

DO—Consider using technology to be together "virtually" on Christmas. Setting up a Skype session to watch your nieces and nephews opening their presents or to have you participate in the family Christmas dinner could allow you to stay connected without ever having to step foot in an airport. Even a phone call on speakerphone will allow you to feel as if you are in the room and will demonstrate that, although you are not together physically, you are together at heart.

DON’T—Give up family traditions that are important to you just because you aren't with your family. If baking cookies on Christmas Eve is something you normally do at your sister's house, do the same when you are home, and then exchange photos of your cookies with your family. If going for a walk with your sister is part of the normal tradition, suggest that you and your sister each go for a walk while talking to each other on the phone so you don't lose that time to connect.

DO—Rejoice in the fact that you have a choice of where to spend your holidays. Many families across the country will be forced to spend Christmas in emergency shelters because they have no place else to go. Consider taking some of the money you saved on holiday travel and making a donation in your family's name to a shelter in your area or in your sister's home town. Happy Holidays!

For a directory of homeless shelters nationwide, visit www.homelessshelterdirectory.org.

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CHRIS CROLL
Chris CROLL is a freelance writer and business consultant who lives with her husband and two sons in Leesburg, Virginia. Email your questions for future "Ask Chris" columns to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it ....