Ask any parent you know what they want most for their kids and invariably it will boil down to the same basic answer. After you weed through the dreams of honor rolls and medical school, world travel and best-selling novels, most of us can sum up our hope for our children in two words: healthy and happy. After all, what good is that high powered profession or international fame if they can’t truly enjoy it?

This desire for our children to lead happy and healthy lifestyles rules much of what we do as mothers. We read the latest news reports on the “right” foods to eat, we schlep them all over to music lessons and sports practice and tutoring sessions in the hope that these extracurricular activities will help them become successful and thus happier individuals. For some of us, it even means looser rules and regulations and diminished discipline in an often misguided, but well-intentioned, desire to make our kids happy.

Despite all these efforts, when I talk to other parents I hear an echo of
concern. Are our children growing up to be as happy and as healthy as we are trying to make them? And there’s research to suggest that our worries may be well-founded. Childhood obesity is on the rise, kids don’t play like we used to and many lack the social skills to make lasting friendships (I’m talking about the real kind of friends, not the 800 friends that they have on Facebook. And while many people argue that its technology or hormones in the food, I can’t help but think that maybe the problem is with us.

If there is one thing I have learned after 16 years of motherhood and 10 years as a therapist it’s that people, especially children, learn by example. We’ve all heard the old adage that children learn what they live and we have all had those parenting moments where we ask our kids to do what we say…not what we do. Intuitively we know that we must show our children how to act, not just tell them. That’s why new parents stop using foul language or give up smoking (at least in front of the kids). We know that our example is the best teacher, yet when was the last time you really invested energy into showing your children how to live a happy and healthy life?

Like many modern moms, I am often too busy and too tired to make time to do the things that I know keep me at my healthiest and happiest. In the process of giving our kids all these opportunities to explore new activities or pursue their latest passion, we mothers neglect our relationships and ourselves. And despite the lip service we may give to “me time” and “moms-night-out”, the majority of mothers do not make self-care a priority. If we know that being healthy and happy means taking time to care for ourselves—body, mind, and spirit- then maybe its time to start showing our kids.

This summer was a difficult time for me. Our family faced some serious medical challenges and one of my closest friends moved halfway across the world. I was having a hard time dealing with all the change and upheaval but instead of doing what I tell my kids to do in times of emotional stress—ask for help, spend time with the people you love, go out and have fun, get extra rest—I allowed the stress to turn inward. My days became overly focused on taking care of everyone else, skipping the gym, eating poorly, staying up late to finish projects that I should have said no to, and pretending that I was fine. At a time when I should have been giving my children a role model for how to cope with stress in a healthy way, and enjoy every moment even when times are tough; I was kind of a mess.

Thankfully therapists have therapist friends and that means the occasional free intervention. My best ‘therapist’ friend called and after a lot of compassionate listening, she gave me the kick in the pants that I needed.
It was time to start leading by example. No more ignoring my feelings or pretending to be fine while I stop taking care of myself. A happy life is full of difficult moments and they deserve to be acknowledged and dealt with in ways that let us be honest with ourselves and with others. Living healthy and happy is not a destination that our kids will one day end up. It is a conscious decision to face each day and make the best choices we can.

I wish I could say that after my little “intervention” I started going to the gym and eating right and embracing all this change as wonderful new opportunities to grow. I didn’t. I’m a regular woman just like anyone else and it’s been a slow journey back to living the kind of life that I want my children to emulate. I’m still exercising irregularly and I have my grumpy days where things feel overwhelming. But more often than not I get up and take time to just be alone, to pray, to write, to shop online, or whatever else I need to do so that I can greet my family with joy instead of stress. I have taken a new approach and don’t feel pressure to enroll the kids in lots of activities; instead I am making more free time for myself. I am dating my husband with the frequency of a teenager in lust…err...love, and pursuing my professional passions with a new found energy.

There is still time for the kids to go to art class and play basketball but there is also balance again when it comes to taking care of them and taking care of me. Like every good suburban mother, I still have the occasional inner voice chastising me about not encouraging their latest interest or following up on that new AP class the school is offering. After all, how can they be happy and healthy without ballet and advanced placement courses? And then I remember that it is not my degrees or my achievements that make me happy or keep me healthy. It is the time I spend caring for myself and my family that matters and the only way they will ever learn that is if I lead by example.

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ESTHER BOYKIN is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the co-owner of Group Therapy Associates, a psychotherapy practice in Haymarket. She specializes in working with couples and adolescents around relationship issues and trauma. She welcomes reader’s comments and questions and can reached at www.grouptherapyassociates.org or by calling 703-644-8041.