After three children and eight years of marriage, Jennifer*, 33, professed to her husband that she was through with having sex forever. Once the sizzle in the marital bedroom fizzles, why does this happen, and what can be done to reclaim that part of a relationship? The U.S. National Health and Social Life Survey found that two percent of married respondents reported no sexual intimacy in the past year. The definition of a nonsexual marriage is typically broadened to include those where sexual intimacy occurs less than ten times per year. Newsweek estimates that about 15 to 20 percent of couples are in a sexless marriage, which translates to approximately 40 million couples.

With such a large percentage of couples now reporting these statistics, sexless marriages have escalated into a phenomenon. But are these surveys simply bringing awareness to a condition that has always existed but that only now we are beginning to talk about? Conjugal duty may have kept sexless marriages at bay some time ago and even up to fairly recent times, though not because of increased sexual desire. Conjugal duty, the name priests and theologians use to describe a wife's duty to sexually satisfy her husband whenever he requested it, was considered part of marriage for many people until the sexual revolution in the 1960s, when sexuality became more open.

The usage of this marital concept is reasonably extinct, though its historical value is relevant for explaining how previous generations tended to view sex and marriage. So what is the norm in present day? Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, a little more than once a week, according to data collected from the General Social Survey, which has tracked the social behaviors of Americans since 1972.

In some relationships, sex was never important to either partner, and both are complacent with relatively sparse sexual encounters. Twenty to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive, according to USA Today. If both couples are compatible with this, then confliction is less likely. Psychology Today reports that 20 percent of all Americans (a third of women and a fifth of men) suffer from a condition known as hypoactive sexual desire (HSD), which is defined as a persistent or recurring deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in sex or being sexual.

Generally, however, sexless marriages develop gradually and over time. Sexual expression can wane over the course of a long term relationship due to a myriad of factors. Hectic schedules, biological changes, lack of communication, misunderstandings and loss of physical attraction due to changes in appearance are a few examples. One myth often needing rectification is that sexless marriages are attributed to aging. There are plenty of couples who have regular sex well into their 70s and 80s. On the other hand, there are couples in their 20s and 30s in sexless relationships.

Another misconception is that it is the women who are always resisting sex. One of America's leading sex therapists, Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld, suggested it was more often the man when he wrote, "…in the vast amount of couples consulting me about desire complaints, it's the women who want more and the man who always has a headache." Forty percent of men over the age of 40 suffer from occasional impotence. It is estimated that more than 30 million men in the United States are afflicted. If the condition isn’t attributed to diet or medical issues, such as obesity or diabetes, the likelihood exists that it is emotional.

 Bob*, 40, says, “I work long hours in a corporate office all day. When I get home, I work around the house. I wash dishes, take out the trash, play with my two young boys and put them to bed. I feel that all of this goes unrecognized. I want to feel respected. Without respect and attention, I don’t feel like having sex."

What all experts seem to agree upon is if any of these symptoms seem to persist in your marriage, it is essential that repair work is begun immediately. The sexless marriage usually represents a quandary of a much deeper level. Eventually, without sexual pleasure and intimacy, depression, low self-esteem, loneliness, frustration and often infidelity and divorce will ensue.

There are innumerable blogs, support sites and community forums online that provide daily tips and advice on coping with or changing circumstances. There is a Facebook page dedicated to the sexless marriage. There are self-help books, and there is always marital counseling, which would be immensely helpful in this situation.

It stands logically that there is a feedback relationship between couples having sex. Happy couples have more sex, and good sex leads to happier couples. The question is how to paddle up and out of the quagmire and resuscitate sexuality in a marriage. Foremost, according to experts, the first step is communication. There is no shame in communicating. Considering the marriage has already been consummated, it’s time to get past any embarrassment and broach the subject openly with one another. Be direct. Be patient. Take the pressure off yourself to keep up with the statistics of sexual marriages. That may come in time, but presently this is only about you. And lastly, take some time to be introspective. When looking inside yourself, or inside your marriage, push past the fear of discovery. Until you uncover the causes behind the lack of sex, you will never be able to find a solution, to break free from infelicity and to move forward to a place where both partners find happiness and understanding.

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SARAH R. PETER is a freelance writer, entrepreneur, personal trainer and mother of three young children living in Loudoun County. She can be contacted at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .