Reader Question:  My husband is great usually. He travels a lot and spends a lot of time away from home. I never stress, and used to actually! but got over being over inquisitive,  but when he goes out to dinner with his work friends and only stays out with a woman co worker, going to bars and comes home at 1am without calling. Is that being jealous? Do I have the problem? When is it jealousy?

Romance Guru: I can appreciate how you must feel, and although you didn't share with me your own background (do you work outside the home yourself, have children, etc.), there is a disconnect that has you feeling the way you do.  I want to, at the very least, validate your feelings.

Trust is a necessary element to a strong relationship, and good communication builds trust.  When a partner takes certain actions that undermine that sense of trust, it leaves the other partner vulnerable to feelings of jealousy, or worse. I will say that I believe a certain amount of alone time, or time spent with friends or on personal hobbies is a good and healthy thing for any relationship.  It should never be a way of avoiding a partner, however. 

It's appropriate to have a conversation with your husband about how you feel.  It's also important to know that HOW you say it is just as important as WHAT you say.  You might begin the conversation with something positive, by telling him how much the marriage means to you and how much you love him.  Then let him know how his actions have a consequence by saying something like, "When you stay out late at night, it makes me feel____________(fill in the blank here.) It's also very important that you have a balanced conversation, and by that I mean each of you should take turns speaking without interruption, and really listening to what the other has to say. 

One thing I have been telling women for several years now is how men and women differ in their needs.  You should know that men really do need to have intimacy and romance; it's what keeps them feeling connected in a relationship, because they aren't as verbal as women and don't always have the ability to express their feelings.  Intimacy is their way of showing you how much they love you.  However, women need to feel connected first before they are ready to receive intimacy and romance.  If your partner has upset you or left you feeling like your needs aren't being met, you won't feel much like being romantic.  We are wired differently.  Once you understand this, you can both work on being more connected.

Hopefully this can rebuild the trust that has been eroding, and the two of you can communicate your needs and get your relationship back on track.  I wish you the very best.

The Romance Guru