A recent survey by iVillage found that during sex with their husbands, nearly two-thirds of married women would rather be doing something else. This may be shocking to many of the husbands out there but I think that most mothers, whether they have experienced it or not, can kind of relate. Our lives have become so overscheduled with never ending to-do lists, countless children’s activities, and a myriad of other obligations that it is no wonder that wives are feeling as though that 20 minutes of passion might not be better spent finishing up the last load of laundry or reading one more chapter in the novel they started three months ago.
It’s not that these women feel their sex lives are lacking or no longer desire their husbands. In fact more than 75% report being relatively happy with their sex lives. Rather it is likely the intrusion of daily life that robs many women of the sheer pleasure that comes with being completely involved in the moment- especially during sex. Readers of this blog have heard me talk a lot about the importance of mindfulness, being fully engaged in the present moment without thinking about what just happened or what will happen. And your sex life is no place to skip the mindfulness practice, in fact it may be one of the best places to start. There are few interactions in life that can become so much more meaningful (and pleasurable) with a little attention to what’s happening now.
So with that in mind, here are six tricks that will have you wondering why you would ever want to do anything else.
Get Your Head In It. We’ve all seen the studies and the articles that say for women sexual arousal is a mental process and it is. While sex is a multi-sensory experience, often it is our thoughts that really make the experience special. And as mentioned above there are often many distracting thoughts to get in the way. Make a habit of trying to clear your head before getting romantic. Need a little help re-focusing? Take a few minutes each day to look at pictures of your partner, reminisce about romantic dates, and even fantasize about some of the “steamier” times you have spent together.
Enjoy Your Body. One of the biggest challenges for many women is feeling self conscious about their naked bodies. Obsessing about that bit of cellulite on your thighs or the pooch left over from your children only interferes with your ability to enjoy the tactile pleasures of sex. Focus on the areas of your body that you find sexy and those that feel the best when touched. By becoming hyper-focused on what is great it will become easier to ignore those areas you think could use a little work. Still having trouble? Ask your partner to tell you what they like best about your body and why. The fresh perspective on your “flaws” might be just thing to bring about a new sense of confidence and what could be sexier than that.
Ask For Help. Now this may be my most controversial tip but the truth is that for many wives/mothers one of the biggest challenges to a more passionate sex life is all the lingering housework and parenting chores that need to be done. They create mental distractions, physical exhaustion, and a schedule that leaves few precious minutes for love making. Ask your hubby/significant other to pitch around the house to help increase the action in the bedroom. I am not suggesting some sort of housework swap for nookie… I am suggesting that you be honest about the things that hold you back from intimacy and let your partner help you clear the obstacles.
Pre-Heat The Oven. For most men, physical arousal and emotional arousal are nearly simultaneous. For women the process is often a little bit slower. A brief anatomy lesson will teach you that part of the issue is that female arousal begins near the cervix, far from where the real action takes place. But there is an easy solution- just as you do in baking, just take a little extra time to pre-heat the oven so to be speak. Whether you can simply think about the fun to come or you need a little more physical encouragement, don’t be afraid to take the time necessary to make sure that not only your mind, but your body is ready for the excitement to come.
Take It Outside. Ok maybe not literally outside (the neighbors may not approve) but at least think about venturing outside the bedroom. I realize that this can be a challenge with children in the house but the change of venue can do wonders for shifting your mind from “wifely obligation” to “sexy adventure”. Whether you just move from the bed to the floor or take a full tour of your home, remember that nothing holds your attention like doing something for the first time (or at least the first time on the new couch.)
Esther Boykin is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the co-owner of Group Therapy Associates, a psychotherapy practice in Haymarket. She specializes in working with couples and adolescents around relationship issues and trauma. She welcomes reader’s comments and questions and can reached at http://www.grouptherapyassociates.org or by calling 703-644-8041.
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