A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Not a great week. Not horrible, but certainly not the gung-ho, can do no wrong attitude I’ve had earlier on in the year. I’m dreading going to my doctor because I’m worried that he’ll use the P-D word — pre-diabetes. I watched my father in law die of diabetes, missing both his legs and his eyesight. Actually, he never saw me, because by the time I met him, his eyesight was gone. So, I should be careful just because of that memory. What will it take? Will it be that visit to the doctor? I want a magic pill. I want something that will make me thin overnight. I promise, if I wake up thin tomorrow, I’ll eat better. I’ll exercise regularly. I’ll be good, I’ll take up a running routine.

Yeah right, who am I kidding. A friend sent me the following and because I’m having trouble committing to a workable routine, I thought I’d share this with you:

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of  personal training at the local health club for me.

  Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football  cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead  and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named  Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and  model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was  well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already  aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going  to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it  all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a  hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to  steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other  club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning  and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.  My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone   invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered absolete by elevators?

Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said  some other crap too.

THURSDAY :

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her  thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being  a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me.  Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :
   I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic  little cheerleader If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And  if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darned barbells  or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off  and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have  been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly  voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me  want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the  strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight  hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my  daughter will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!