Dear Teacher,
Please help! Our daughter, going into fourth grade, started in the Gifted Center program last year. We just found out that her brother, a second grader, did not get in. Will this cause sibling rivalry? How can we handle having one child who is gifted and one who is not?
Years ago, we used to think “giftedness” simply meant outstanding general intelligence as measured by i.q. scores. We now know that a child may be highly gifted in one domain, while only average or even below average in other areas. If you think of intelligence not as a single entity, but rather a combination of a few or several different abilities, it may help you to recognize each of your children’s unique gifts. Your son may be gifted as well, but perhaps his strengths lie in different areas than your daughter’s.
Thinking of your children as unique individuals is key as you shape the way you handle this difficult situation. Experts agree that being made to feel inferior to a sibling can shape a child’s self-esteem adversely, so it is important to handle the news that your younger child did not get into the center very delicately. Your attitude and behavior can do a lot to modify both of your children’s feelings and anxieties. You don’t want to do anything that can make your son feel as though you are disappointed in him or that he doesn’t measure up to his sister.
Talk to your daughter alone about this. It is a wonderful opportunity for her to build empathy and consideration of other’s feelings. Tell her that while you are very proud of her accomplishments in the center, it is important to the entire family that her brother does not feel bad because he was not accepted into the program.
You should talk to your son alone as well. Be careful not to overly exaggerate his strengths because this could ring false, even to a second grader’s ears. However, emphasize how his particular gifts were not the kind of things that he was tested for to get into the center. Remind him of all the things he is good at, and how much you value them.
If he asks why he does not get to go to the center, tell him that different children have different educational needs. Make it clear to your son that a single rejection by a gifted program does not mean that his future has been determined. There are many opportunities that will still be available to him. The fact that he did not get into the center does not preclude participation in Advanced Placement or International Baccalaureate programs, should these interest him and have the potential to meet his educational needs. Emphasize that admittance into a gifted program isn’t connected to a person’s worth or even their future success. If he doesn’t seem overly concerned about the fact that he didn’t get into the center (and many second graders aren’t) then try not to bring it up again. It is very possible that you and your spouse are far more bothered by this situation than he is.
Another important element is to examine your own biases and the way you treat your children. Try not to boast too much about your daughter’s educational achievements in front of your son. Don’t ask difficult questions of your daughter, just so that you can marvel aloud at her answers. If you’re on an outing with both of them, don’t point things out to just your daughter because you think she will better understand what you are saying. Be sure to listen to your son’s stories and opinions with the same attention you pay your daughter. Without realizing it, you may already treat them quite differently, especially because your daughter is older and you have gotten used to her being the one who gets more out of certain experiences. Do not put all of your parental energy into cultivating your daughter’s success. Be sure to provide your son plenty of outlets and activities that suit his unique talents. Children will make judgments about what you value based on your actions, not just your words. Academic giftedness is only one talent among many and you do not want to show either of your children that it is the only thing that determines a person’s worth.
Despite all this advice, if you feel as though your son truly is academically gifted and NEEDS to be admitted to the center in order be challenged appropriately in school, make an appointment to talk with his guidance counselor and/or GT resource teacher. It is possible to appeal the decision by submitting a written appeal to the GT programs office. The appeal must include new data such as results from additional testing at George Mason, up to 5 pages of student work, evidence of awards or outstanding accomplishments, or a parent/guardian questionnaire if it was not included in the original packet.
Finally, enjoy each moment with both of your children, as it will go by fast. Even if they are not both academically gifted, they are both wonderful, amazing gifts.
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