I have enough experience to write a novel on this subject, but I will try to compress what I have learned in a short summary. I hope you find it helpful if you are in a similar situation. With five children, in-laws and ten grandchildren, my parents have had a very difficult time meeting expectations and being the “ideal” grandparents in the eyes of their children. The truth is, to some of us, they fail miserably. I think we kids would argue that our expectations were never unreasonable; we just couldn’t see that they were just matched with the wrong people. Everyone knows the family with the “amazing” grandparents. They take the kids on vacation and help keep the house when you leave town. Grandma makes meals when someone is sick and does the laundry, and Grandpa shows up to every single one of junior’s baseball games.

Yeah, that’s not my folks. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times my parents have watched my children or sent a birthday card. One particularly dividing event was when my brother’s daughter was graduating high school and, while there were not enough tickets for the grandparents to attend the ceremonies, they were invited to the celebration party the next day. As it turned out, they had planned long in advance, and paid for, a sailing trip for boating certifications they needed in order to fulfill their dream of retiring on a boat somewhere in the islands. Since they weren’t going to the ceremony, they did not feel the party was worth the loss of their investment in the trip and the cancellation which would delay their vacation together. Needless to say, my brother—and particularly his wife—were grossly offended, and a long silence with tremendous resentment ensued. In truth, the only way my parents could have received forgiveness would be to concede that they were horrible grandparents and become totally different people. Sadly, it still isn’t resolved and my niece is halfway through college.

This is one of many occurrences in our family, and I have learned to detach from the madness because there never seems to be a good resolution when you try to coax, convince and persuade people to see things your way. For a long time I would get upset, make excuses and feel let down by the “Grandparent card” I was dealt. There have been times when I bought birthday cards for my children and filled them out on behalf of my parents because I knew that, while they would likely call sometime during the special day, I felt something more substantial was needed to make my children feel loved by them. I think now that maybe that was more about me than it was about them. But it hurt, and I took it personally.

What compounds those feelings is when you have a spouse whose parents are up for the “Mee Maw and Pap Pap of the Year” award. How do you explain to your kids the vast difference in the behaviors? I think it comes down to this: People are just different. And just because they don’t do the things the way we want or expect or the way others do, it does not mean they love any less. It’s just how they have learned to be in the world.

I have come to a place of acceptance. I have stopped expecting them to be people that they are not, and I have started embracing who they are. My parents are good people, but they are getting older and you know what they say about old dogs and new tricks. I may not be happy with the level of connection and participation they have as grandparents at times, but I love them very much and I know they really do love my kids. So I stopped having expectations and being disappointed when they didn’t call until 9 o’clock in the evening on my son’s birthday. I found a lot more peace and appreciation in the little things they did do. In return, they felt less pressure to meet expectations and began taking initiative in participating and being more involved.

So far, it’s win/win.

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TRACEY PARENT is a single mom of two boys and one foster daughter. She has served the community as a nonprofit leader for over 12 years. From Hurricane Katrina relief, programs for the elderly and musical enrichment programs for children, to the ever-popular Loudoun Summer Music Fest held at Belmont Country Club, she has always been committed to doing what inspires her.